Jul 30, 2013 11:00pm PDT
's armstrong's defense? >> lance armstrong now says the postal service should have known he was doping. >> he's saying, "i lied. you should have known that i lied." >> john: wow. that's his defense? this guy has got a lot of ball. [ cheers and applause ] he's pleading so guilty it's your fault for not knowing how guilty he is. is he arguing any mitigating circumstances? >> i know it was an unfortunate period in our sport. unfortunately for me, i came, you know, right smack dab in the middle of that period. >> john: you know what? he's right. that is the real tragedy here. i think we all owe lance armstrong an apology for making him win seven tour de frances earning millions of dollars in the process during such an unfortunate period in the sport he chose to participate in. all right. on the basis of this world record narcissism i find the defendant a giant douche. jason. [ cheers and applause ] jason, please call our final defendant. >> sure will, judge johnny. the court calls joseph r. biden,, jr., the delaware destroyer, he's got a lion's heart, a sailor's mouth and some other dude's hair.
Jul 24, 2013 11:00pm PDT
defense, unless what you said "i feel like a different person" you meant from my wife. i feel like having a different person from the one you see forcing a smile next to me in this photograph. so the disgusting details of this story are a problem for weiner, but they're also a problem for the newsies trying to cover them. >> most of the exchange is too graphic for network television. >> john: you're right. but here's the thing. we're not on network television. [ cheers and applause ] this is basic cable, my friends. and sure we may be bleepd but we will not be embarrassed or silenced. what i'm actually allowed to read these exchanges i'm not physically able to do it. they're just too revolting which is why we have a special computer text-to-voice machine. the pervert-tron5000. read the first upsetting text message. >> i start to [bleep] so hard. your [bleep] almost hit you in the face. >> john: how is is that even sexy? that's a fundamental lack of understanding of what breasts can do. then i'm going to take one of your boobs and spank you with it, yeah. then we go to sleep so i lay one o